Men don't like the word 'trauma'. Years of working with them in therapy and groups--and, well, being one--has acquainted me a lot of the reasons why. It's not that trauma doesn't affect us. It really, really does. Even more than our dislike of the word itself, unseen obstacles always seems to block us from really acknowledging the influence of trauma in our lives.
The fact that trauma afflicts many, many men ought not prompt us, though, to ignore the reasons that a lot of them are so turned off by talking about it, and by extension, dealing with it.
We feel like we're taking something from people with 'real' trauma.
The image the t-word often conjures is of military combat, a horrific accident or injury--something like that. These things are unmistakably trauma that nobody would question. How in the world can I put what happened to me in that category?
The important thing to recognize here is that the word doesn't make assumptions about the severity of an event in comparison to any other. 'Trauma' isn't even the word for the cause, but rather the effect.
All kinds of parts of a person are designed to learn, grow, and adapt as we move through life. Certain things can impact how this process goes down, leaving us with adaptations (literally in our wiring) that don't help us down the road. These impacts can certainly come from easy-to-spot, catastrophic events but also from stuff that's less noticeable, often because it's popularly written off as "life". This can include poverty, bullying, divorce, and much more.
The thing to remember about traumatic events is that they're like water. You can drown in the ocean, you can also drown in 3 inches in your tub. It's not about how big and scary it looks--it's about how it affects your system.
We don't want to be like people we see using it as an excuse.
So much of the public conversation about mental health is unhelpful. The spread of wrong or toxic information on social media just about matches the expansion of genuine awareness.
Certainly there but also in real life, many of us have seen people using 'trauma' as an excuse to shirk responsibility or justify poor behavior. And while a lot of negative actions and attitudes can be the result of trauma, I want to stress that doesn't mean they ought to be rebranded as acceptable. Identifying the trauma roots of issues is actually a way of taking greater responsibility by making a more effective course correction.
The hard thing is, refusing to acknowledge and deal with our trauma does far more to perpetuate our worst patterns than talking about it will.
It feels like a failure of our duty to be strong and provide for others.
More than anything, most men want to know they are having a positive impact on the people close to them. They want to provide, protect, and love well.
A common hurdle I work through with men at the beginning of counseling is the guilt they feel from believing it's selfish even to be there. Giving their own emotions and experiences space to be seen and valued seems like a breach of contract. And what will happen to how I think of myself?
Fact is, working on yourself is one of the best things you can do for the people you care about. They have so much to gain from you becoming a more liberated, more present and authentic you. And even if they didn't--you still deserve that.
We believe the lie that men "just move past" tough experiences.
One of the enduring rules of counterfeit masculinity is that we are not affected by the past, that we don't carry hurts with us, that we have as few as possible vulnerabilities. Furthermore, we must understand that the conquering of any hurts has to happen with as little visibility as possible.
For a lot of men, the realization that their past is affecting them hits like a moral failing, like they just found out they committed some heinous crime.
Hate to break it to you, but you're human. And time never healed anything (not by itself, anyway). Like every other person, you adapted as best you could to everything you've been through. And a lot of those adaptations weren't chosen by you--they're the result of unconscious processes you weren't aware of.
This doesn't make us not responsible, just the opposite. Living in greater awareness is crucial to genuinely moving on and fulfilling our actual roles.
In conclusion, men have trauma. Any surprise or disappointment at that fact is simply the sign that we've been living with a false expectation.
How wonderful it is to know, then, that trauma is something we can not only heal from, but also take from it greater strengths and gifts for others, too.
Mike Ensley, LPC is a counselor who specializes in working with trauma and attachment in men. He serves clients in Colorado from his office in Loveland, and online anywhere in the state.
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