Almost nothing is more damaging to a relationship than infidelity. And one thing that is said by the vast majority of people who step out on their partner is "I never meant to." This may seem like a cop-out, but it's usually true. This doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility, but it highlights that infidelity often happens not because someone set out to be unfaithful, but because there is a vacuum of intention in how they have held themselves in the relationship.
So, here are three major things to watch out for in your life that may seem nonthreatening to you on their face, but can, if left unchecked, put you on the slippery slope to betraying your partner in a way you never wanted to.
Avoiding Conflict
Nobody enjoys arguments, and it's at the very least uncomfortable to navigate the conflicting desires and points of view that inevitably appear in any relationship, no matter how solid the compatibility is.
The temporary relief of dodging these tricky interactions comes at a long-term price. As we accumulate unspoken disagreements and disappointments, we create fertile ground for resentment and entitlement. It changes how we see our partner. We tell ourselves a story where they aren't on our side anymore. As this story becomes more embedded in our experience of the relationship, it makes room for concessions to defensive and even retaliatory postures.
In this state of relating, we can (more easily than you might think) convince ourselves to do something to 'take better care of ourselves' or 'even things out' that will only blow up the situation.
The 'Innocent' Flirtation
It might seem common for people--even when they're committed--to enjoy the supposedly harmless office crush or to flirt casually when the opportunity arises. It never won't feel good to feel attractive and desirable.
There doesn't need to be any intention to inflate these 'innocent' flirtations, however, for it to happen. When the relationship you're in becomes difficult or starts to take more work than previously thought, you can find yourself unprepared to resist the allure of a connection that feels new, exciting, and free of baggage.
Colluding Friends
Everyone talks with their friends about their romantic partner, and that's okay. However, awareness is key. Friends aren't always tuned in to what's good for your relationship. Their boundaries might not be where you want yours. If you express frustrations about what's going on with your partner, their misguided attempts to be supportive can reinforce whatever rift may be forming. Friends can even project their own poor attitudes and behaviors on your relationship, engaging with your situation but really trying to justify themselves.
It's important that you are intentional about what you share and to whom. Without this kind of mindfulness, you may find yourself surrounded by "allies" who will nudge you toward harming your relationship.
Relationship Counseling isn't Just Damage Control
Often, couples don't seek out a relationship therapist until a conflict has become unmanageable. Internalized stigma about what it means to get help is the biggest contributor to this.
What people fail to realize is that couples therapy is incredibly helpful for enhancing the communication and fulfillment in your relationship as well as safeguard it against those disasters that are the impetus for couples to get help in an emergency.
Justin Walmsley, MFTC, LAC, is a relationship and addiction counselor who specializes in high-conflict situations, including restoring relationships post-infidelity.
In-Person in Loveland, Online Therapy for all Colorado
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